did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
