I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
