i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
