OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
