what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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