She is in my trunk
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
