I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
