just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
