I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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