you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
