I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
