Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
