I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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