On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
