you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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