I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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