then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
