So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
