i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
