I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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