Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
