i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
