Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize