1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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