This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
