Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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