Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
