Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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