Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
