No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize