i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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