yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
