Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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