Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
