she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
