Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize