feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
