dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
