What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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