I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
