A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
