I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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