College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
