god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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