Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
