Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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