Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
