dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Randomize
