I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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