I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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