morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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