I haven't been this sober since birth.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point đź’ś
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
