Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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