the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
