No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
they need to just BURY HIM!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
