The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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