My first STD was from a foam party
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize