I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
