I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
