My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
