just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
